Dating Advice

Dating Advice number 1: Never admit your inexperience to a date.

Feb 14, 1993 – My first experience of this unique cultural phenomena. Till then, I used to think that Valentine’s Day is the birth or death anniversary of former Hollywood heartthrob Rudolph Valentino. My very first kiss too – and when the girl asked me how was it, I replied “Wet”. No need to tell you that was the last kiss she bestowed on me. Even though I was not eating onions or garlic that day. I tell you, girls are really funny. Needless to say, that was the only date I ever had with her.

Dating Advice number 2: Never take your date to a deathly place.

Feb 14, 1996 – My first real Valentine’s Day date. I had bought a second-hand scooter just a week before. I decided to take her on a long drive, which was fine enough. But I had decided that the stopovers would be at Raj Ghat and Humayun Tomb, which was not-so-fine. Apparently, tombs are not very romantic places. How would I know that, when the greatest monument to love is supposed to be Taj Mahal, a mausoleum? Net result – I did not receive any kisses – wet or dry (or dry-cleaned for that matter). And that was the only Valentine’s I ever had with her.

Dating Advice number 3: Never take your date to a public place.

Feb 14, 1999 – My first real “expensive” Valentine’s Day date. I had just started working, so I could afford a decent date. I took her to the Taj Palace disco “My Kind of Place”. Things were fine as long as they were playing fast numbers – I managed not to step on her toes too many times. And then they started playing slow numbers, and disaster struck. Afraid that I would seem a creep if I stayed holding her too close for too long, I wished to try a few variations on the steps. I twirled her – and her hands slipped from mine. The rest of her slipped too – and landed publicly on her bum! Obviously, that was the only time she went out with me again.

Dating Advice number 4: Never take your date to a private place.

Feb 14, 2002 – My first real candle-light Valentine’s Day date. I had planned minutely, ordering kebabs to have with the wine I had bought. The most romantic music ready on the player. And my best chicken recipe for the dinner which I wanted to cook for her with my own fair and lovely hands. After half an hour or so, I light the scented candles, and put on slow numbers. I remind myself not to twirl her around and not to think of tombs. And then we need to rush to the kitchen to see how the dream dish is turning out to be. We both smell something burning, and we look at the chicken. The chicken is fine, so what is burning? We go to the bed – no need to stop reading and blush. We just grab the burning sheets and rush outside to prevent the fire from spreading. We had knocked over the candles while dancing, it seems. There is no loss of life or property – only a terrible loss of image and passion. But needless to say, that was the only time she ever came to my room.

Dating Advice number 5: Never take your date to a romantic place.

Feb 14, 2005 – My first real international Valentine’s Day date. I had planned to ask her to marry me, and had booked a weekend rendezvous in Maldives as the venue for popping the question. After two days of swimming, snorkeling and lazing around in the closest thing to paradise I have ever been in, it is time for THE dinner date. We both order some seriously expensive wine. After dinner is over, we both sit down on two towels near the water with what is left of the wine. We talk for some time, and then sit in a companionable silence. I do not look her in the eye as I broach THE topic, and since she does not say “yes” immediately, I continue talking nervously, outlining why I think we would make the perfect couple. Even after 15 minutes of non-stop self-marketing, she does not say a single word. So I turn to her – and find her fast asleep. Or dead drunk, whatever it was. That was the moment our relationship started going downhill, because I had to drag her uphill. I left her in the room, and went for a long swim to think things over. I am still thinking as to why I am so bad at thinking.

Dating Advice number 6: Never take your love online.

Feb 14, 2008 – My first virtual Valentine’s Day date. I meet and fall in love with someone I never met in real life. After countless romantic mails and chats, I set up a first meeting with “RedLady24”. I turn up at dinner with a red rose, and offer it to ……………………

…………………………..to someone who is not a 24-year-old lady, but is wearing red for sure. A shocking red faux fur and wig abomination that cannot hide his chest hair and bald pate.